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Sep. 19th, 2008

07

Let's celebrate!


Avast ye matey!....

Come aboard if ye dare!....


Ya be walkin the plank!...


C'mon, lads, shiver me timbers!

Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?


Would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

Prepare to be boarded!



It's International
"Talk Like a Pirate" Day....





Sep. 18th, 2008

04

Another voice in my head...

Another very addictive song that I can't get out of my head... Toe Jam.

This is BPA (British Port Authority) featuring David Byrne and Dizzee Rascal
.

BPA is a project put together by Fat Boy Slim.

.....The video is pretty cool too.







Sep. 14th, 2008

06

A fine full fat fair day...

I've been wanting to go to the Puyallup Fair ever since I moved to Seattle. I wanted to see butter carvings of famous presidents; shake hands with this year's pork queen; pet the goats; eat deep-fried snickers bars, then get extremely ill going on rides.... childhood memories. Like a lot of things, though, it has always taken a back seat...

This year, I was chatting with my LJ bud, Stereobare (Bob), and we tried to get a group together to go... no takers. So Bob and I ventured out on our own and had a GREAT time without them.

Here are some pics that chronicle our adventure... Bob is a GREAT photographer, so he supplied the "camera eye" for the day.


 

I was so in the mood to see the animals. Lambs are great, but they weren't fooling anyone...


 
I got to pet the goats!!
I got to pet the goats!!

These two babies were cuddled up nicely together. I wanted to join them.

 

 
This guy was posing for us. He had such a handsome mug.
 
There was some HOT bear watching at the fair, especially at the exhibits.

Here I am stalking my prey...

 
The absolute best in fair cuisine.... fried corn fritters with honey butter...
This was a poor substitute for the deep-fried snickers bar that I really wanted.


I still stuffed my face with them...

Beside the corn fritters, I also had the "World's Largest" cheeseburger.


We just weren't brave enough to take the front car on the roller coaster.... But we did have a good ride.
  

Aug. 31st, 2008

10

ACGCs and Best Buds...

240

These guys will rip you out of your shell, pour booze down your
throat and force you to dress up as Tigger for halloween...
I know 
this for a fact.... I'm still in therapy after the events of that night.


 
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"Love... exciting and new... come aboard... we're expecting you..."

These guys look innocent, but I suspect they have bodies buried
under the floor boards at their place on Whidbey Island...



 

Aug. 29th, 2008

01

Rent a Goat in Seattle...

THIS IS JUST THE BEST!

A couple nights ago, my friend Lonnie and
I went to the Seattle Movie Bears downtown. At the spot where Pine Street crosses I-5, we noticed a crowd gathered around the bridge.

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Just below the dog park, there were about 20 goats eating the ivy and grass that grows uncontrolled in the area. It was the coolest thing!...

I had read about the rent-a-goat service in Seattle, but never really saw them. Bringing the goats into the city has it's advantages - they are cheaper than manual labor, they are chemical free and they are cool as all shit!

Now, I want one!...

Aug. 27th, 2008

08

My soul died a little bit today...

I don't watch that much TV... I'm more of a movie whore... especially when it comes to buying DVDs and renting from Netflixs.

One of my absolute favorite TV shows
Moral Orel is coming out with new episodes in October. I'm incredibly pumped!... But, in the same breath, they announced that the series has just been cancelled... Season Three is all we are gonna get.

Folks... Moral Orel is a cultural icon...
It's a classic combination of vintage
Davey and Goliath claymation and brilliant comment on society... Some of the best writing that I've seen in a long time.

MORAL OREL HAS TO BE SAVED!!

Where else can you find a boy who only tries to do good, but misinterprets goodness and morality and ends up doing the following...

240

- raises the dead because they are sinners too
- plays "God's Chef" and gets half the women in town pregnant

- becomes addicted to crack as a way to help the homeless

- attends a satanic orgy
with his phy. ed. coach
- wins a praying competition by channeling buddha
- sells his urine as "energy drink" to students at his school

- gets a P.A.  (a Prince Albert, for those who need to know...)

- pimps hookers to all the men in his church congregation
- gets shot by his drunk father, then gets blamed for it.

...Come to think of it, these are all things that I have done!


Aug. 24th, 2008

03

Alcohol and impulse buys...

Here is my dinner on Friday night after a night of binge drinking... This should give you some idea of the type of weekend I had.

This weekend was
Northern Xposure in Seattle. Lots of muscle bears were out and about, and the attitude was thick in the air...

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Aug. 13th, 2008

08

Opera 101 - What I learned from Aida...

A friend of mine works backstage for the Seattle Opera company and he told me about their great new production of Aida.

Now keep in mind.... I have never, EVER been to an opera. Sure, I've seen them on TV but I've never actually experienced one... Growing up, true "culture" for me was watching MTV... really sad.


I decided to give it a try and I went by myself on a Sunday afternoon.

Have to say, it was great! Aida isn't known for having very memorable music or recognizable arias that you are likely to hum... as if. Most people go see Aida because the story is set in Egypt and the sets and costumes are grandiose. The show didn't disappoint.


Still, since this was my first time attending the opera, I couldn't help but make some strong and blunt observations....


Observation #1 - At the end of every opera, everybody dies or has to live with the pain of someone's death.... What the fuck?...







Observation #2 - The fat lady truly does sing... and there are lots of "portly" women in opera. Why is it that they always play the "young, vivacious" characters, but they look like they just chowed down at Hometown Buffet?




Observation #3 - Opera Bears are hotties!.... just like this handsome little bear from Australia who performed the lead character, Radames.... grrr!






Observation #4 - A lot of people who attend operas are smug... and they enjoy the smell of their own farts... I found this out first hand. Right at the most emotional part of Aida, someone in my section started "baking brownies"... I know everyone smelled it because I could see people shifting uncomfortably in their seats.... I blame the 80 year old guy sitting next to me...

Observation #5 - Thank God for captions!!! Aida is sung in Italian and I can't imagine what it was like long ago to attend the opera and not have a clue what was going on. My spanish is pretty good, so I was able to pick out some words... but not enough to understand it all. Make note.... during an opera, pay attention to the words that display on the board above the stage. They are your lifeline in the world of opera.

Observation #6 - At an opera, it is easy to feel like a "cat at a dog convention"... Even though the Seattle Opera web site said that there is no dress code for opera, people always dress up. I took my motorcycle to the opera, so I was dressed in a t-shirt, jeans, boots and my riding jacket... I got lots of stares.


Observation #7 - Beware of coffee-clatches of little old ladies who attend the opera.... You know that they all meet beforehand at Denny's for breakfast, then head to the opera to terrorize innocent victims like me... During breaks they tear out of the theater and make way for the free coffee. By the time you get there, the table is a mess and their isn't a drop to be found anywhere... and they never leave a donation in the donation bucket... I'll be in therapy for years.

Observation #8 - At an opera, be prepared to applaud multiple times... even when you're not sure what you are applauding for... I still have caluses.

Those are my observations so far....




KILL DUH WABBIT!!
KILL DUH WABBIT!!
KILL DUH WABBIT!!

The only opera that I still like better than Aida is from Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny ....




Aug. 8th, 2008

06

Ah.... a guy can only dream...

One of my absolute favorites....

I especially like the bear's reaction to the pretty boy....
I have the same reaction everyday.


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Aug. 6th, 2008

09

The Samurai of Death...

So my family and friends got me hooked on Facebook  ....very dangerous. I could spend hours searching for former friends, classmates and colleagues.... then stalk them like prey.

One of the applications I found on Facebook is called Wrestler. Basically, you create an avatar character that challenges other Facebook members to virtual wrestling matches...

My wrestler is "The Samurai of Death"...

Here is his profile -

Abandoned as a child in front of Japan's most famous samurai school, Kukishin Ryu. He was taken in by the school's masters and given the job of "warrior fluffer".

Originally sworn to defend those who cannot defend themselves.... now, he's just pissed off and ready to party.

Favorite move is to rip off your head with his bare hands and shit down your neck.

Height - 6'4"
Weight - 265 lbs (120 kg)
Hometown - Osaka, Japan

So yes, my life is kinda sad right now... 
I'll do anything to entertain myself. 

This includes creating fictional avatar characters that are just begging to be masterbated to.

I've become an internet whore...

Jul. 31st, 2008

04

Brokeback Mountain... here I come.

Believe it or not, I competed in a rodeo this past weekend.... My absolute first, and probably my last. As I discovered, I have no talent for it.... a regret.

I would love to tell you all that I competed in Bareback Bronc Riding, Chute Dogging or Steer Roping... that would be the butch thing to do.

Instead, I have to confess that I competed in Goat Dressing.


Goat Dressing requires little skill or athletic ability... Basically you and your team mate race from a starting point to a goat that is tied to a pole. Your goal is to put a pair of underwear (in this case, briefs) on the goat, then race back to your starting point. The event is timed.

Out of 30 teams, we placed 12th....
not bad, but nothing to write home about. I also pulled my calf muscle really bad... all for the glory that is homo-rodeo.

Oh well, you know what they say...
"So many cowboys... So little rope."



Jul. 30th, 2008

08

So is zombie sex also necrophilia?...


So think about it...

If necrophilia is sex with a dead person, what do we call sex with zombies?...

I mean, zombies are people too... sort of. They must feel a carnal lust from time to time. But they are only half-dead.

God knows I've been with a few dead lays before... 

_____________________________________ 

Necrophiliac Pick Up Lines....

  • Is there room for two in that casket?
  • I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get you pregnant.
  • Let's play doctor -
    I'll do an extensive postmordem...with my penis.
  • You always said you wanted to go out with a bang. Better late than never...
  • Would you like to have sex?...
    I'll take complete silence as a "yes".
 
_____________________________________ 
 

Jul. 19th, 2008

02

Living proof that birth control is needed...

 
Another budding homosexual!

My manager at work asked us to send pics to her of what we looked like in 1978.

Maybe it's the twinkle in my eye, but I think even back in the 6th grade you could see I was heading down a path of drunken debauchery.... no ethics, no morals and definitely no fashion sense.

I suppose if I was one of the "cool kids" back then, I would have duck-taped my ass to a pole too.

If you ever hated your old school pictures, don't feel bad. 

It could be worse...

Jul. 14th, 2008

01

Ah, Bushtits!

So, I learned a new word this weekend... Bushtits. They are a breed of bird.

When I first heard the word, I thought... "you're fucking kidding me, right?" But I guess it just goes to show my ignorance of bird-watching (a pass time that makes little sense to me.... but that's just my opinion).

I went for a great hike this weekend at
Discovery Park. It's a nice place to escape to when thoughts of going to a high tower with an uzi start entering your head... you know I'm kidding, right?
I guess I must have needed the break from people.
  
On Sunday I met some friends at the Cuff. We drank up a storm and had fantasies of instigating cat fights between fag-hags... We finally decided that the best way to start a cat-fight between two women at a gay bar is to tell one of them that the other said something derogatory about "their fag". Then you just sit back, grab a beer and watch the fur fly.

Now it's Monday and I'm back in the swing of things.... whistling "zippity-do-da" out of my asshole.

Bitter?.... a little.












 

Jun. 29th, 2008

me

Bad Idea Bears

I listen to these guys way too much....

If you ever see them on the street, in a bar, on a date or on the internet while you are in a bdsm chatroom, AVOID THEM LIKE THE PLAGUE!!

They will take your soul and offer it as a sacrifice to the dark lord.

 

Mar. 25th, 2008

me

A Rusty Trombone

A Rusty Trombone... 

Involves blowing and sucking a guy's asshole while also giving them a handjob. 

It's called the 'Rusty Trombone' because of the Trombone like action.
 

Mar. 21st, 2008

me

Rejected Hallmark Cards

Rejected Hallmark Cards:

1.  So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. 
     Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2.  My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
     When I looked at the tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.
    Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh,
    when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
    Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be.
    But don't fret about it. She moved in with me.

7. You totaled your car. And can't remember why.
    Could it have been. That whole case of Bud Dry?

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Mar. 20th, 2008

me

Mamma Mia and a Flaming Amazon

I've got two things to cover today...

 I feel like one of the last people on earth... 

Everyone I know has seen the musical Mamma Mia
 and they all tell me how great it is. I finally went to the performance last night at the Paramount and I have to agree...
it was great!

It's not your typical musical.... the story is pretty simplistic and predictable, but the music is fun. 

How could anyone not love ABBA????

_______________________________________________________________________


A Flaming Amazon...
During sex,  while doing it doggy style, you light
your pubes on fire and watch what he or she does.


 

Mar. 18th, 2008

me

The Spiderman

I've been away for awhile for no particular reason.  It's time to start blogging again...

Lately I've been finding all sorts of funny "sex acts" online. I never knew people were so perverse.

Here is one that I thought was really funny....


The Spiderman
This is when you're having sex and you pull out right before you're about to bust.  

Then you finish in your hand and when the person looks at you, you throw it in their face and shout "Web out!"

 
 

Aug. 15th, 2007

me

A much hotter version of 'N Sync...


I'm not a fan of "boy bands" at all... but you gotta love this!

Check out BearForce1 from The Netherlands. 

The verdict is still out whether I like the music or not.... 
it's almost too campy and gay for me. But I love the eye-candy!

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